im fuckin crying
im fuckin crying
“The Standing Chef”
Make a move on your partner while she is in the kitchen making pasta. Press her against the stove, which she will remind you is on. Nod as she sighs and says that the kitchen has become “too predictable” and doesn’t have the same spontaneity as it used to. Remind her that you live in a 475-square-foot studio apartment and there’s literally nowhere new to go. Ask her to make enough pasta for you.
“The Streaming Marathon”
When the two of you are alone in bed, cuddle up and do nothing but watch Netflix. Start kissing his neck and moving your hand down further and further until he says that you should really be paying attention because Breaking Bad is a very complex show with a lot of subtleties and he’s not going to answer questions later on because you missed something. Watch Gus Fring subtly stab a man with a box cutter.
Leave the light on.
bbq to go
"Andrew graduated from college twelve years ago, and Andrew’s rent is nine hundred and fifty dollars a month. Andrew’s barista job pays eight dollars an hour, and he works there twenty hours a week. Andrew’s assistant job pays fifteen dollars an hour, and he works there ten hours a week. Andrew is on page seventeen of his fifth screenplay. Andrew’s therapy costs two hundred and fifty dollars an hour, and recently Andrew’s therapist suggested meeting two times a week.
(A) Andrew should increase his assistant-job hours and decrease his barista job hours.
(B) Therapy is a luxury that Andrew cannot afford.
(C) This prompt did not contain a question.
(D) The universe is telling Andrew that he wasn’t meant to be a screen-writer, and Andrew is not listening.
(E) Andrew will be thirty-five in January. Thirty-five.”
-excerpt from S.A.T. For Adults, by Ethan Kuperberg, from the Sept. 23, 2013 issue of the New Yorker
this is why snails were created
Imagining someone making tiny mail, setting up the shot and waiting for the snail just cracks me up.
I love this so much